B•LOG

Three Avocados Non-Profit Coffee

2010-02-25T11:44:00.003-06:00

I took a trip to Uganda in January (16-23). I know there were multiple people on the trip that were amazed at how many roadside markets there were, and yet, how no one seemed to be buying anything. Lots and lots of sellers, but no buyers. It's like there's virtually no economy. And that makes sense - after all, Uganda is one of the poorest countries in the world.

So, I started kicking around some ideas with some guys...what could we sell in the US that would come from Uganda? You know, how could we kick some cash into their economy? We talked about importing beer (Nile Special is pretty good), but, nah, they're owned by South African Breweries, which owns Miller. I don't want to give more cash to an already wealthy corporation in a poor country (not through this project, that is). What about African drums? Or tribal masks? Maybe. How about coffee? Yes!!

Coffee is the perfect product. It's consumable, so people will need to keep purchasing it. A drum or mask is a one time purchase. Plus, people already buy coffee. Lots of it. And, Uganda already exports tons of coffee.

We set up a non-profit, Three Avocados, to sell Ugandan coffee here in the US. Proceeds go back to community projects in Uganda.

So, do your share to help out - buy a bag of coffee.

I still don't like John Mayer

2009-11-19T21:23:00.003-06:00

Just in case anyone was wondering, still not a fan. I'm still thoroughly annoyed by him. And when did this boner turn into some bad abercrombie & fitch model looking type?

How do I tell my wife to lose weight?

2009-11-19T20:36:00.003-06:00

Well, after about a year of no blogging, I'm back...and with a great topic - How do I tell my wife to lose weight?

Google the topic and you'll find all kinds of advice, ranging from, "you're an asshole" to "just be honest with her". Depending on the situation, both may be valid answers. I have a different idea though.

And women, before you go all feminist on me, change the question a bit to "why doesn't he do sweet things for me anymore?"

Both questions are related. At least in my head.

OK, so here's my opinion on this...men and women are different. Hell, every person is different. To different people, different things are important. Women, if your guy would like you to lose weight it's probably a little because he wants you to look better, but it's probably more that he wants to know you give a damn enough to want to look good for him. When you first started dating, he did sweet things for you and you went out of your way to make sure you looked good for him. There were probably plenty of things you'd never let him see -- for example, no makeup. As time progressed, you got more comfortable. That's good. And bad. He also got more comfortable. You figured out that you 'have' each other. And there-in lies the problem.

So, guys, if you were searching for the answer to this question, I think it starts with you. Make her feel special. Make her feel important. And then, offer to help her. Ask her to go for walks. Ask her to work out with you. And, really, if you're saying she needs to lose weight, you sure as hell better be working out and not be 50lbs overweight yourself. If she feels important, and feels that you're making an effort to make her feel special, she'll want to look good for you again.

And women, if your guy asks this of you -- realize that it's probably more than just weight. Have you been wearing less than flattering clothes? Skipping the makeup? Not doing your hair like you used to? Take time for yourself - you'll feel much better about yourself.

The Financial Bailout is Working

2008-11-18T22:01:00.002-06:00

So Paulson testified to congress today that the financial bailout is working. Um...what? Wait... It's what? It's working? When? Where? How the hell is that possible? Am I the only one that remembers them saying that this will take months to show any effect. So how is it working already? This same dude just said that it will take months. Now he says it's working. I think he's confused.

What the hell is wrong with our country?

2008-11-14T08:34:00.004-06:00

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is not what men like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington had in mind...

Our economy is having some problems. Guess what? Shit happens. Let's look at history...the economy has gone up and down. It's happens. It's cyclical. Just because it's in a down era doesn't mean we need to go handing out money to every fucking corporation that's being hit by it. Yes, people lose jobs, money, etc. It blows. It's not easy at all. But guess what, it happens.

Let's talk financial bailout. Initially, I thought it made sense. Guess what? It's done nothing. And it doesn't look like it's going to do much. You know what would have worked? Patience. Because it's cyclical. It will come back.

Now we're talking about bailing out GM, Ford, and Chrysler. Let's just go ahead and rename the White House to the Socialist Home. Seriously. We don't need to be having Government get involved with private business. Even publicly held companies. Yes, we need rules and regulations on accounting. We need oversight and accountability. We do not need the government owning shares of banks or handing money to auto makers. Regardless of where their 'world headquarters' is.

How long have GM, Ford, and Chrysler been having problems? For a long time. Even in the days of huge SUV sales, they were still having problems. Know what that's called? Mismanagement. It's simple. So if I mismanage my own personal money, does the government come hand me $200,000 and say 'Here, pay off your house' ? Nope. Should they? Nope.

Does anyone remember the whole Diamler Chrysler mess? Diamler bought them because they thought they could turn the company into a profitable auto maker. That was in 1998. THAT'S 10 YEARS AGO. THEY HAVE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS FOR OVER 10 YEARS. Yeah, Diamler sold them off to Cerberus in 2007. That's almost 10 years of unsuccessfully trying to turn around a company. And even then, Diamler took a huge loss just to stop the financial bleeding. And, to be able to sell them, they had to agree to retain a ton of debt that Chrysler had.

Point is, I don't want to hear any crying about how the 'credit crunch' has hurt GM, Ford, Chrysler. They've been hurting for a long time and have been unwilling to change their business practices. And don't even get me started on the damn unions. The auto workers union has literally run these companies out of business, and now they're lobbying Washington for bailouts so people don't lose their jobs. Guess what...if I open a grocery store and try to sell spoiled milk for equal or greater than my competitor, I'm going out of business. It's just like trying to sell a car that offers crappy reliability for the same or more than a high quality vehicle.

The unions have been watching these corporate giants fail and haven't backed off their demands, even though it's clear that labor costs are killing them. Well, the unions have put their own workers out of work. This country needs to learn a lesson. Sorry, but that's life and life is about to suck even harder..unless our government steps up to the Socialism plate...please don't...

Anbien CR - The perfect murder alibi

2008-10-12T22:11:00.003-05:00

I just saw a commercial for anbien cr that said something like 'cases of sleepwalking with amnesia of the event have occurred.' Note, it did not say have been reported, but have occurred. Nice. I foresee this coming up in a murder case. Maybe next time OJ kills someone. How freaking easy would it be to get a prescription for that, then have an 'episode' and use the scientific cases in court. Interesting...

.NET Postback

2008-09-25T21:36:00.003-05:00

Stop using postback in .NET. Please. It's breaking the internet and is horrible for user experience. Why would you want the page to reload every single time the user makes a selection on a form? For real. This is the most absurd thing. It wastes time and seriously frustrates people. And 99% of the time, there's no reason for it, other than some uneducated developer that left postback on for every damn form field or 'controls', as MS so cleverly calls them.

And why would you want all of those additional hits on your server? And the additional bandwidth? What a retarded technology...

2008 Nissan Altima Review - After 3 months

2008-09-21T22:13:00.002-05:00

OK, haven't quite had the car for 3 months, but so far, love it still. It's fast and fun to drive. Not that I ever exceed the posted speed limits, because that would not be safe. At all. Don't do it.

But, if you decide to, you'll have no problem. I've been really good so far and haven't taken car the car above 95. I'm completely getting spoiled by the push button start and the bluetooth. I didn't think I'd care about either of those features, but I do. I love them. I keep hopping in Jen's car and reaching for the button, then realizing that I have to pull my keys out of my pocket.

With the Altima, I just walk up to the car, push the unlock button on the door handle, hop in, push the start button and off I go. To place a call, just push the phone icon and say the number. Friggin' sweet. Love it.

The audio system isn't quite what I'd want, but it's good. Not quite as good as the Bose in my Infiniti QX4, but overall, pretty good. It could use a small sub somewhere. That's my only wish. If you're thinking about an Altima, go for it. They're awesome. I'm sure the new Maxima's are bad-ass, too.

My F*****g knee still hurts

2008-09-21T22:09:00.002-05:00

This is getting old. Damn thing still hurts. Morgan ran away today and I had to sprint after him. Not good for the knee. Now the damn thing hurts like a little biatch. I could literally feel it swell up. Bonus.

Knee Pain: 100

Cortisone Shot: 0

Game over. Someone tell me what the hell is wrong with my knee. Please.

Mojave Experiment

2008-09-21T21:59:00.003-05:00

Microsoft has been running the damn commercials again for the Mojave Experiment. I guess since the Seinfeld stuff flopped so bad, they've gone back to this crap for a period of time.

I decided to go checkout mojaveexperiment.com just to see what it was all about. It just confused the crap out of me. First off, you get there and they want you to have silverlight. Guess what, Microsoft? No one has it. And no one gives a shit...

So, finally, the page loads and there's like 70 videos for you to pick from. You think I'm exaggerating. Not at all. It's seriously a box that is 7 tall and 10 wide of videos to choose from. Good User Interface, you idiots. It's all about not overwhelming the user, right?

I certainly didn't watch all of the videos, but I watched a few and they showed absolutely nothing. It was just a bunch of wanksters going 'oh, that's neat' and 'wow - you got sum pictures in that box!'.

Seriously, Vista blows. Go spend $300 million dollars fixing it, not trying to convince people it's cool.

Jon Bon Jovi's Phone Number

2008-09-13T21:43:00.002-05:00

Does anyone have Jon Bon Jovi's phone number? I have something that I very seriously need to talk to him about. It's really 2008, not 1988 and he needs to stop pretending he has a career. Every single bit of music that comes out of that man and his band is absolutely horrid. Seriously, please give me the man's phone number so that I can straighten him out.

What the hell is wrong with young people?

2008-09-13T21:40:00.003-05:00

Why do they all want to be gangstas? I see all of these damn kids walking around with their pants down around their ankles looking like morons. They wonder why no one will take them seriously and are always afraid they are going to rob them blind. Well, first, you look like an idiot. Second, you look like a criminal. It's not complicated. Pull your pants up and act like a civilized human being...

They put a needle in my knee...

2008-09-02T21:39:00.003-05:00

In an exciting follow-up to my thrilling knee saga, I visited my orthopedic today. He said the next step was a steroid injection.

I don't know if you've ever looked at your knee, so let's take a second to do that right now. Seriously. Look at it. OK, now that you know what you're dealing with, tell me...where do you put the needle? Seriously. I mean, babies get shots in the butt. Adults get them in arms, legs (thigh), or butt. Those are all meaty areas. Your knee...not so much.

I'm usually not bothered by needles, but this didn't sound like fun to me. However, my knee is driving me nuts, so I figured why not. They pulled out a fairly small needle. OK, no big deal, right? Wait, holy shit. I just realized where he's going to put that and how he's going to get to the spot where the pain is. That fucking thing is going to go over an inch into my knee. Not cool. Wait, it's in there...not so bad. Cool, this isn't too HOLY SHIT!

Yeah, kinda uncomfy. Not the needle, but all of the shit he injected. That hurt. Luckily it was a short, quick pain. And still, NOTHING near what it's like when my knee acts up, so if this works, WELL worth it.

Only time will tell...guess we'll see.

In the meantime, this dude on my iTunes kissed a drunk girl. Sweet.

Maroon 5 - If I never see your face again

2008-08-27T21:30:00.005-05:00

I keep hearing Maroon 5 songs lately. I swear, these guys are my next John Mayer. Today, I heard "If I never See Your Face Again". This is just the latest off their album brilliantly titled "It Won't Be Soon Before Long". What a clever little title. Retards. I'm sure they sat around a table with some bottled water coming up with that one. And they thought it was very 'deep', too, I'm sure. These guys are just absolutely atrocious.

Seriously, what's the deal with these guys? The lead singer (Adam Levine) just squeals in some high-pitched voice. Calling that singing is a bit of a stretch. It's more like a castrated cat whining. His voice is just absolutely terrible. I have a theory, and I'm pretty confident on this one -- Adam Levine is really Avril Levine, but trying to pull a bit more life out of her career. Here's a tip Avril - stick with the 'rocker chick' act. It works better than the gay-guy-lead-singer-of-maroon-5 act.

Not to mention, these guys have the most annoying myspace page ever. I found it in doing my research for this blog post (wanted to get album name, and song titles). I'm not sure they could cram anymore crap on that page if they tried.

Christian Environmental Services

2008-08-09T13:42:00.002-05:00

It's time for the Summer Olympics and Christian Environtmental Services is really stepping it up this time. I've previously written about my problems with Christian Environmental. See, back in April I spoke with the President of the company. He assured me we would not have any more problems with our Friday pick-up being missed. Well, August 8th, and guess what - missed pickup.

Now, I wish I was surprised, but they've been doing this crap since they got the contract with Lake Saint Louis about 2 years ago. I've contacted my Alderman (woman) who has been fantastic. She's contacted them, but it really doesn't matter. It just seems like they really don't give a damn. They don't return phone calls, emails, etc. They're just completely useless. I call them to complain and just feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Or, I leave a message and no one returns my call.

So, short story - if your town is looking at using Christian Environmental, don't. They're worthless and the customer service is worse than Wal-mart. They don't care about customers. I've never once been offered any compensation for all of the missed pickups and have barely gotten an apology out of them.

She seriously did not wet her pants...

2008-08-07T21:32:00.003-05:00

Yeah, she did. Really. And no, I don't have a 3yr old daughter.

Went bowling tonight at one of these new-fangled modern bowling alleys where they serve you liquor and food at your lanes. They've got couches instead of the typical chairs, etc. Kind of a trendy little place. This was a company outing, mind you. It was employees and then a few clients/partners that we invited.

The wife of one of my clients had a few drinks while she was bowling. She was a terrible bowler, but that didn't really matter. She managed to get a strike and got so excited that she ran and dove halfway down the lane.

Skip forward about 20 minutes. She got another strike, in the 10th frame of the last game. She picked up her ball to go again, swung it backwards and lost hold of it. It only went a few feet, but was damn funny. She started laughing. And kept laughing. And laughing. All of the sudden, she starts dancing around and goes, "Oh my god, I have to pee!!!", soon followed by a "I just peed myself!". Classic. Not to be outdone, she comes back from the bathroom a few minutes later with a wad of toilet paper in between her legs, on the outside of her pants. Brilliant.

Knee Update

2008-08-05T16:12:00.002-05:00

As a follow-up to my MRI post, I have the results after seeing my doctor today. The answer is....nothing is wrong. Totally normal. Now, if someone can explain how I cannot run, jump, cut the grass, go up and down stairs without pain, that would be great. If someone is a qualified medical professional, I'll gladly post every single MRI image online for you to view. This is why I don't go to doctors....

Obama wants to 'tap' that reserve

2008-08-04T22:34:00.003-05:00

Why would anyone elect this man? That's right. I said why would anyone elect Barack Obama? Seriously. Here's his latest:

http://m.cnn.com/cnn/ne/politics/detail/149085

Let's tap the nation's oil reserves in order to bring down gas prices. Brilliant. Wish I'd thought of that. You friggin' idiot! How is that going to help? What a craptacular short-term solution. That just might bring down prices for like...what...6 months? If that.

So, let's see how this works out long-term:

1) Tap reserves
2) Lower gas prices
3) Piss off (you pick) Canada/Venezuela/Saudi Arabia
4) Have oil imports cut off
5) Oops...no reserves left...
6) Clean pants after royal mess made in them

Where are prices now? Oh, shit, wait. There's no oil to buy...hmm...

Oh, and the real doozie is this gem:

"Build fuel-efficient cars and have one million 150 mile-per-gallon plug-in hybrids on the roads within six years."

Sweet! The United States is now in the business of manufacturing cars! Why do these damn politicians always promise things they have no control over? In six years, he'll be saying, "I tried to work with the automobile makers, but they are in bed with the oil companies and will not produce the vehicles I promised. Not my fault."

Good plan, Obama. Where do I vote?

I'm not wearing any pants

2008-07-30T23:06:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, it just gets so damn hot in the house for no reason. This is one of those times. To fight it, I am not wearing pants. And you can't make me.

Diagnose my MRI?

2008-07-30T22:56:00.005-05:00

Is there a radiologist in the house? Anyone care to diagnose this? Is there something here, or is this a normal MRI? It hurts. Click photo for a bigger view. Oh, and the game ends on Tuesday, Aug 5 or 6 (2008). Whichever one is Tuesday. Can't remember. Anyway, you've got less than week.

Got my 2008 Nissan Altima 3.5SL

2008-07-30T22:46:00.003-05:00

Picked up a new ride a few weeks ago. Very happy with it. The 3.5 liter V6 is fast. Stupidly fast. And the CVT transmission is sweet. No pause in the acceleration for shifting, which makes the car event faster. I do wish the bose system had a little more low-end to it. There's no sub, just 2 6x9's in the back, which produce some good low-end, but a small sub would have been a great addition.

At first, I didn't really get the benefit of the intelligent key and push button start, but now, I'm becoming addicted. I love just walking up to my car and touching the door handle to unlock it. Then, just hop in and push the button and you're on you're way. No need to pull the key out of your pocket at all.

Oh, and the bluetooth integration -- very nice. Again, no need to pull the iPhone out of the pocket. Just hope in and say 'Call Jen Cell' or whatever and you're on your way to a safe, handsfree phone call. Very very cool car for right around 30K. Oh, got a great deal on it, too...WELL below invoice...

Chase Online Payment System Sucks

2008-07-30T22:36:00.003-05:00

Every month when it's time to pay the bill on my Chase Visa card, I cringe. Why? Because their online payment system sucks so hard. They have the thing so wonderfully 'secure' that you have to put in usernames and passwords that there's no way in hell you're ever going to remember.

How is it making something more secure when the user can't remember their account information? Sure, I'm all for a warning saying "hey dumbass, you can't set your password to 'password'". That's cool. But all this crap about "Username must be 75 characters and include at least 34 vowels and 12 numbers" is a bit crazy.

Oh, and here's the cool part - the 'Forgot User ID or Password' function doesn't work on Macintosh. It apparently only works in IE. I had to call support once in order to get into my damn account. The gal had me click 17 different things, say magical chants and blink twice. I was able to get in after that.

Anyone else experience this? Please don't tell me I'm all alone on this....

Ben Folds and Adam Duritz are brothers

2008-07-02T22:04:00.002-05:00

Do you think that Fred Jones from Fred Jones, Part 2 by Ben Folds is the same Mr. Jones that Adam Duritz sings about in the Counting Crows song, "Mr. Jones"? Dude, maybe Ben Folds and Adam Duritz are related. Wait. Maybe they're brothers. That has to be it. I mean, how many Mr. Jones' can there be?

Diana Bianchi - Who is she?

2008-07-02T22:00:00.001-05:00

The world wants to know who Diana Bianchi is. At least, that's what google thinks. This chick has skyrocketed to #16 on google trends right now. So, who is she? I've got no idea, but I'd sure hate to have her name. How many times did she get called Diana Bitchy in school? Sweet...

Follow-up: Accident during test drive

2008-07-02T21:55:00.002-05:00

So, here's the deal - follow up to my accident during test drive post - Apparently my insurance gets to pay for damage to the car I was driving and split the cost of the other car and the 'injury' with the car dealerships insurance.

Yeah, you read that right -- the 'injury'. Give me a break. An injury at less than 5MPH? Whatever. Ambulance chasers... I'm so pissed about that. What a crock of shit. Granted, it doesn't directly cost me anything, but that's what's wrong with this country right now. Everyone wants to whine about everything and try to sue people for everything. Take an advil. Walk it off.

Google AdSense only kind of works...

2008-06-30T22:52:00.001-05:00

So, on my page talking about hating walmart, there's a Google AdWords ad for Wal-Mart. I'd say it's safe to say that AdWords only partially works...

Accident During a Test Drive.

2008-06-30T22:25:00.003-05:00

I've only been in one accident in my driving years (11), and that one was not my fault. I was sitting at a stoplight when some kid hit me from behind. Well, that all changed today. Not only was I in an accident that could be my fault, but I was test driving a 2008 Honda Accord. What a f#*#&$ing mess.

See, there's construction in St. Louis. Like, they-shut-down-a-major-interstate construction. Seriously. Highway 64(40) is closed. Seriously. For like, 2 years. Anyone not from St. Louis has a hard time believing this is even possible. It is. Anyway, in the process, the on ramp to Hwy 270 North from Hwy 40 (the part that's open) is a mess. They added a stop sign, like that will fix it. Brilliant move. But I digress...

So, I'm heading towards said stop sign and there is a car in front of me. So, I stop. He's at the stop sign and somewhat rolls through it. I pull to the stop sign and watch him. He starts going (to merge onto 270). So, with him out of the way, I turn over my shoulder to look. Problem is, the sticker (you know, MSRP, etc) is right in my way. So I'm working real hard to see around the damn sticker. I think I see an opening, so I hit the gas and turn to look forward as I'm hitting the gas. Guess what - guy in front of me had apparently only pulled forward about 5 feet earlier, not actually merged like I thought. So, boom, I rear end him.

Which makes me wonder - why do they put those stickers on the left side. When you need to merge left, you can't see a damn thing. If they were on the right side of the vehicle, you'd be able to see around them much better. On the left, when you turn your head, the thing is right there, in the way.

Oh, how'd I like the Accord? Well, I'll just say that the interior is VERY nice (I was looking at the EX-L V6). The seats are the most uncomfortable thing in the world though. And the drive of the car is nothing beyond 'blah'. I think I'm going with the 2008 Nissan Altima 3.5SL. MUCH more fun to drive...

I also hate Diaper Genie (Review)

2008-06-27T22:12:00.002-05:00

Here it is, just one dad's review of the diaper genie....

Well, been the unsatisfied user of a diaper genie for about 3 1/2 years now. Fairly certain I couldn't hate the thing more. What's my issue with it? Well, the damn thing won't cut the friggin' poop-filled diapers loose. Make sense? I'm sure not.

Here's the deal - the diaper genie has this little thing you twist on the top that twists the cartridge that holds the bag. That creates a air lock between each diaper. Much like how you spin your bread before you put the twisty-tie on to keep the air out. Same concept. There's also a little button that you depress if you want to cut the liner (to empty it). That's my problem. That damn thing never works. Never has, never will. Craptacular design. So, every time you want to empty it, you need to get out the scissors to cut the damn thing free, which ends up stinking up the house in the process.

Long story short, if you want to buy a diaper genie, don't. They blow. Get that other one that's popular. I think it's called the diaper champ or something. Either way, it looks better. I guess.

I hate walmart self checkouts...

2008-06-22T22:45:00.002-05:00

So I was browsing PeaTot the other day and came across this blog post about Walmart self checkouts. I couldn't agree more. And it's not just Walmart. It's everywhere. Granted, just like everything else, walmart's are the worst. I swear, I'm going to get kicked out of that place soon - and it's going to be related to those damn self-checkouts. I hit one the other day in sheer frustration. It popped the little scale out of it and knocked it onto the floor. After that, my bananas wouldn't weight properly. Well, not that they really were before.

Anyway, those damn things are just the most un-user-friendly things ever. If you don't do everything just right, the damn thing goes nuts and won't do anything. And the flippin' bagger thingy doesn't realize you've already put stuff in the bag. Then the light starts flashing and you've got to get the 17 yr old walmart 'manager' to come fix the damn thing. Ugh. All that, and no discount. What a crock.

If I were a girlscout...

2008-06-12T23:39:00.003-05:00

Just down the road from my house, in the Chesterfield Valley, there is a new Lamborghini dealership going in. Right next to the Bently/Maserati dealership that's already there. Yeah, seriously.

Today, on my way home from work, I drove past the two on Hwy 40, like every other day. Except, today I had a thought. I thought, if I were a girl scout, I'd totally set up my cookie stand right in between the two dealerships, and then yell at people to buy my cookies.

"Hey! Girl Scout cookies here! If you can afford a $200,000 car, you can certainly drop $500 on some cookies! Cash only."

Parenting Community, Forums, Blogs - Connect with other Moms and Dads

2008-06-02T11:05:00.003-05:00

I'm really excited about a project we've been working on lately. It's called PeaTot.com. It's an online community for parents. There's forums, blogs, family friendly events, and tons of other great content. More than anything though, it's a great place for moms and dads to connect with each other, ask questions, and help each other out.

So, you're thinking, great, there's already other parenting websites out there, with the same community, forums, etc. How is PeaTot different? Well, the real differentiating factor is that at PeaTot, you get points for doing things you're already doing - posting to message boards and chatting with other parents, blogging, etc. The points can be redeemed for great rewards.

We've been seeing some great growth with the site, but it's tough competing against the large sites, with an almost non-existent budget. Anyway, if you're a mom or dad of a young one (or expecting!), please check it out.

Make Your Own Jumperoo

2008-05-29T12:50:00.002-05:00

A Jumperoo is a baby-jumping apparatus. How in the world do I know this? My wife told me. She said she wishes we had one for our 5 month old. She had to explain to me what this thing is. Here's a link to the official jumperoo, if you, like me, have no idea what one is.

So, after her explanation, I thought, 'dude, I could totally make that with like...a towel, some 2x4s, and a couple of bungee cords'. The wife won't let me make one of these, so if someone else out there can please put my idea to work and let me know how it turns out, that'd be great. I'll even feature you on my blog. That's a $79 value.

Here's how to build it:

1) Get a towel
2) Cut leg holes in it
3) Create reinforced holes in the edges (for the bungee cords to hook into)
4) Build a cube out of 2x4s. 3ft wide x 3ft deep x 3ft tall is probably a good dimension.
5) Secure bungee cords to 2x4 frame
6) Secure bungee cords to towel
7) Place baby in homemade jumperoo. It's probably best NOT to let your wife see this step, or let her know what you are doing until you have fully tested the jumperoo.

There you have it - A jumperoo for like...$12.

Nacho Cheese

2008-05-15T22:06:00.002-05:00

My blog has ads for nacho cheese. That's awesome. Maybe I'll get an endorsement deal.

Sonic Java Chillers

2008-05-15T21:58:00.002-05:00

I picked up a Java Chiller from Sonic tonight, so I thought I'd post a review of this new drink they have. I tried carmel. Over all, not too bad. Kind of like a mix of a frappuccino and a milk shake. I have to give them credit - everyone now is trying to make some sort of frozen coffee drink. I think they put a bit of a twist on it with the main base being ice cream, not ice. I think they're pretty good. A very very nice alternative to a frappuccino when you need a change.

Lyrics to Say What You Mean To Say, by John Mayer

2008-05-15T21:51:00.003-05:00

Wow. The response to my first post on John Mayer's Say What You Mean To Say has been so popular (seriously, a couple HUNDRED visits per month) that I decided I'd post the lyrics to the song. I have a feeling that's what a lot of people may be looking for.

So, here they are - full lyrics to the song.

Say what you mean to say

Say what you mean to say (in a slightly lower range)

Say what you mean to say (in a slightly higher range)

Repeat for 3 1/2 minutes.

Lonestar - Walking in Memphis

2008-04-28T21:33:00.004-05:00

I'm not a big country fan, but I do run across it every once in a while when there is nothing else on the radio and the CD's just aren't doin' it for me. So, recently, I heard a cover of 'Walking in Memphis' by Lonestar. First off, I pretty much hate these guys anyway. But then, to screw up an absolutely great song by Marc Cohn is just not a good plan. I'm sure there are plenty of teeny-boppers out there that have no idea who Marc Cohn is and think that Lonestar wrote this song. They didn't. They obliterated it. It's the worst thing I've ever heard. Whoever is the lead singer in Lonestar is absolutely horrid and can't seem to keep any sort of timing. He's jumping all over the place and somehow managed to remove every ounce of emotion in the song. Congratulations Lonestar, another song destroyed. They should have never named a steakhouse after you. You're not worthy.

We just might have the worst trash company ever...

2008-04-13T21:34:00.002-05:00

Around January of 2007, the City of Lake Saint Louis entered into a new contract with Christian Disposal to provide waste removal and recycling services for residents. The previous contract was with Onxy, who later changed their name to Veolia. After a bumpy start with Veolia, they got their act together and became very reliable. I absolutely did not like them at first because of the problems, but by the end of the contract, they were doing great and I was impressed with how they turned it around so quickly. In fact, I even wrote them a letter thanking them and sent it in with my last payment.

So, enter January 2007 and Christian Disposal. It was an absolute mess. They actually somehow conned the city into letting them skip our first two pickups because they couldn't get their shit together. So, that made me unhappy. Especially with tons of diapers now piling up in the garage.

Over the first year, the problems just continued. Here's a little background... We have twice a week pickup - on Tuesday and Friday. Most people have only the Tuesday pickup. We pay extra for the second pickup. Well, right off the bat, they couldn't seem to figure out to pickup our trash on Friday, too. So, I was patient and called them numerous times to remind them / complain. They always said they'd come get it on Saturday. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. That was pretty annoying.

So, this continued. And continued. In May of 2007 I started working from home. I would regularly call them at 3:30 on Friday afternoon to remind them to pickup our trash. Numerous times I actually contacted our Alderwoman, who would contact people at the city and the trash company and let them know we were having problems. Numerous times I was told the 'route supervisor' would call me. Never did.

Then, there was a Saturday where they were supposed to pick up because of a holiday. I saw the truck drive half way down our street and turn around. I immediately called them and literally told them if they didn't pick up the trash that day, I was going to drive it to their office and leave it at their front door. I was so fed up with these people. Now, not that that was the right thing to do, but seriously. I'd called, I'd even sent letters with my payments, and I'd sent e-mails. I'd never hear back from them.

So, all of this continued and I contacted the alderwoman in February or March. She contacted the company and got not response. Nor did they contact me. Additionally, I contacted them at that time - via phone and e-mail. Was told the 'route supervisor' would call me back. Never happened. Shocking. So, when my payment was due (March 24), I sent them a note. No check. Just a note. It went something like this...

Since you sometimes 'pretend' to pickup my trash, I am pretending to pay you. I have left numerous phone messages and e-mails and have never been contacted. I have been told by customer service that the route supervisor would call me, but never has. I am fed up and have had enough. I have contacted the city and the alderman and then have received no word back from you. I fully intend to do everything I can to ensure your contract is not renewed. As soon as someone calls me back, I will gladly pay you. Until then, I expect my trash to continue to be picked up.

Then I signed it, and left two phone number where they could reach me. As of today, no word yet, but they are still picking up my trash. I'm wondering if they're just too disorganized to realize I haven't paid them...

Lawn striping is popular, too

2008-04-08T22:00:00.002-05:00

So, in a follow-up to my Ron Pratte post below, lawn striping is popular. I actually do fairly well in Google searches, both from this blog and my page decided to making your own lawn striper. It's amazing that this many people are as psychotic as I am. That reminds me...it's about time to make the latest version of the lawn striper and post up new directions...

I plan to abuse my tags

2008-04-08T21:10:00.001-05:00

Fair warning. I plan to abuse my tags. See right-hand column.

Who in the hell is Ron Pratte?

2008-04-08T21:06:00.003-05:00

Really? If you know who he is, please post a comment. I keep getting traffic on my blog for people searching for Ron Pratte. I had a post a while about about Ron Pratte. Ever since, I've been getting traffic from people searching for him. I'm sure they're highly disappointed to see that I'm asking who he is and that my post was just part of my Google Trends experiment. Interesting though, it seems the post does get some traffic, making me think that Google actually picked up on it because it was hot at the time. Same for my post about the American Idol flunkie Julie Dubela.

Blogs are cool.

Cheese. It's yummy.

2008-04-08T21:02:00.003-05:00

'nuf said.

Just kidding. Seriously though, cheese is damn good.

Lately, I've been dying for some of that super-cheap, crappy nacho-cheese-in-a-can. I couldn't find any - even the giant 5lb industrial size. Well, Jen found some the other day. I gave it a try tonight. It was delicious. If it was the version a bit spicier, it would be great, but damn this stuff was good. Glad I've still got most of the can left.

I'm talking about the cheese that kind of looks / smells like melted Velveeta, but it's not near as disgusting. Velveeta just might be the most disgusting thing on the planet. I hate that stuff. I call it 'plastic cheese'. When you first open it, the cheese has formed to the shape of the foil / plastic shrink wrapped wrapper it's in. You see all of the creases. Yuck. Then, you melt the stuff and it's nice and gooey, then it cools a bit and gets this nasty film on top of it.

Seriously, stop making Velveeta.

Convertibles and rain

2008-04-08T20:56:00.002-05:00

On my way home today, I passed a guy driving a convertible Camaro. His little girlfriend / wife was with him. You could just tell, this guy thought he was the coolest dude on earth, with his little Foakley sunglasses and his big fat arm hanging over the door. So, unfortunately, in Missouri, this is not an uncommon sight - a 40 year old guy driving a 10+ yr old Camaro, thinking he's hot stuff.

OK, so you're right, that in and of itself is not funny. Here's where it gets funny...it was cloudy. And it had been raining all day. And was supposed to keep raining. This genius seemed to think that having the top down was a good idea. At this point, he's right behind me as we cross over the river into St. Charles County. As soon as we cross over, it starts raining a little bit. I see him and his little girlfriend or whatever start to squirm a bit. It starts raining harder. And harder. Next thing I know, big guy's got his hand over her head and he's rolled up the windows. As if that is going to give them protection. I just drove along, keeping an eye on them in my rearview mirror, laughing. It was pretty funny.

Big man got smart and decided to exit the highway - presumably to put up the room. I bet the girlfriend was impressed with the sweet Camaro.

John Mayer - Say What You Mean To Say

2008-03-31T15:08:00.002-05:00

So the other day I was at the gas station and they were playing music. While I was pumping gas, I heard that John Mayer song, 'Say what you meant to say'. I seriously sat there the whole time thinking, 'No, dude. You say whatever the hell it is you mean to say. And quit saying the same damn thing over and over 7,000 times for 3 1/2 minutes.' Seriously. That has got to be one of the most annoying songs ever.

Everyone panic! The earth is melting!

2008-03-25T21:15:00.003-05:00

Quick! Freak out! The world is melting. We're all going to die!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080325/ap_on_sc/antarctica_collapse

Give me a f'ing break. The beginning of this story makes it sound like the world is going to flood in two days and we're all going to die. Read on, though. This fucking piece of ice accounts for 4 percent of this particular 'shelf' and isn't going to raise sea levels. But, we should still freak out because the fucking planet is getting hotter. Bullshit.

That being said, should we be more careful about the environment? Yes. Is global warming real? Probably. Is it a big deal? Probably not. Has it happened before? Probably. I'm sure in 50 years we'll all be freaking out about the massive global cooling happening. It's going to kill the lions in africa because it will be too cold for them.

Seriously, some 'scientists' need better things to do with their time. Go invent something cool. Or heal someone. Or both.

Summit Industrial Products - Lube

2008-03-20T21:33:00.002-05:00

I found something interesting today. There's a search engine optimization firm that is guaranteeing page 1 rankings. Google themselves even says that if someone guarantees you page 1 rankings, be leery. I think this company is up to something. First off, it's way too cheap. Second, there's no way to guarantee someone the results they are in the time they are guaranteeing it. Plus, their testimonials seem a bit shady. Anyway, I determined that one of the terms they had optimized someone for was summit lube. So, I created a little page about Summit Lube. Just a one pager on the backend of Koenigland. Normally, I wouldn't think this would work, but I've gotten some fairly amazing results with my lawn striper page, which I never intended to be visited much at all. So anyway, I wrote some stuff about Summit Industrial Products and am hoping that Google picks up the page pretty quickly and indexes it. I'm curious to see where it ranks, compared to the other page. Something just seems fishy, so I'm curious to see what happens. Hopefully I don't forget to check back...

Spring is almost here...time for lawn striping!

2008-03-18T22:34:00.002-05:00

It's about that time to start striping the lawn!

I love spring. I love watching flowers bloom, trees come to life, and the lawn green up!!! I'm excited because it's about time to start working on my new lawn striper model. As with the last model, this one will attach to the back of the mower. However, I'm planning on a pivot design, which I think will yield much better results. Last results were good, but the damn thing was difficult to use. Difficult to maneuver, plus, it didn't roll like I thought it should. It was more of a dragging motion, which I'm afraid will tear up the lawn. I have high hopes though. I'll update the lawn striper site as soon as I create an updated version!

OK, so maybe I'm not prophetic....

2008-03-15T23:02:00.002-05:00

I just found this posting. It's funny because, well, I haven't posted in almost a month. I was bragging about how good I am at this. I've been soooo busy at work. Plus, we put up a new site on March 4th. We're working on a new blog, which means I need to come up with entries for that blog. Obviously, they'll be quite different from this blog. Plus, we have a news section on the new site, which means that I really need to work on figuring out newsworthy items and writing little news stories for the site. All of this writing I have to do - in addition to my real job.

Anyway, I'm happy the new site is up. We took the opportunity to launch the new site and announce that we're now offering search engine marketing services, including search engine optimization and pay-per-click management.

I'm excited about the new services. We've been studying these things for a while now, doing some research / testing, as well as doing some work on our own site and helping a few clients for free, just to make sure we can generate some results. I won't name any names, but we took a site from being virtually invisible on the search engines, to being on page 1 of google for multiple key phrases. Before we started, this site was ranked like, #67 for one of the terms that it now shows up on the first page. Based on that, and some other results, we felt like we actually had something here and could feel confident selling this service to clients.

I find the whole search engine optimization and pay-per-click arena very interesting. PPC is very similar to direct mail, except you know you have a captivated audience, plus, you have an amazing amount of data you can gather and report on in order to improve your ROI and track results. I can't wait to get these services off the ground the see what happens!

Can women carry things down stairs?

2008-02-25T22:13:00.002-06:00

Wow...my blog has been lonely lately. Just too busy. However, I did come up with a good question this weekend. If anyone can answer this, please do...

Is there some sort of physical reason that women cannot carry things downstairs into the basement? Or is it all mental? I mean, seriously, my wife never carries things down there. There's just this pile of stuff in the hallway by the stairs. She doesn't ask me to carry it down, either. Just puts it there. I guess I'm just supposed to see it and carry it down.

Or, what's actually worse, is when she opens the door to the basement and sets something on the first step. So then, the next time I start carrying the crap in the hallway down, I damn near kill myself on the crap she put on the first step. So seriously, is there a physical reason women cannot carry things down the stairs?

The American Flag

2008-01-31T21:30:00.000-06:00

So, the wife and I were watching 'Are you smarter than a 5th grader' tonight. There was a question about how many stripes there are on the American flag. Easy. 13. However, it got me thinking...the colors on the flag are Red, White, and Blue. That's amazingly similar to some country that we took our independence from. Yes, England. And, actually, it's not just similar, it's the exact same. So, that got me to thinking...did they do that just to spite the queen? Like, 'F You! No only are we defecting, we're stealing your flag colors!' That's possible. The other possibility is that those were the only colors that existed 200+ years ago. Which makes sense. And explains Kentucky Bluegrass.

American Idol Flunkie: Julie Dubela

2008-01-30T22:09:00.000-06:00

This chick flunks out on Idol and a few hours later, she is one of the top searched phrases on Google. What a loser. No only did she blow her chance, but now, all of america is searching for her to see how stupid she looked. I love the interweb.

Barack Obama Is Shady

2008-01-30T21:59:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one that thinks this Barack Obama fella is shady? He's got that "I'm going to con you out of everything you own and make you think I'm doing you a favor" look to him. At least that's my opinion. Then this shows up.

OK, so just because Obama knew him doesn't necessarily mean he knew everything the guy was up to. But let's just loo at this... I find a few things interesting here...

This guy has been a long time fund-raiser for Gov. Blagojevich, who is just as shady as Obama. Obama was happy to accept cash from this guy, and LOTS of it. All of the sudden, he doesn't know the guy and is giving away the money. I worked in a political environment for long enough to know that when you give a candidate over $100,000, you know them pretty damn well. And, this guy apparently was involved somehow in Obama purchasing a house for $300,000 UNDER market value. Lucky coincidence, right? Sounds like a shady way to scratch someone's back to me.

So, vote for who you wish, but just realize that when someone is as slick and polished as Obama is, it's probably because they've got years of practice bullshitting and scamming people...

I always have good ideas for a blog entry...

2008-01-25T22:25:00.000-06:00

I always have good ideas for a blog entry. Then I forget it. I swear. I just always think of these things at the wrong times. Sometimes I actually send myself an e-mail to remind myself, but today, I know I had 2 or 3 good ideas and have just completely forgotten them. That's why my blog is boring. Promise.

I want to make out with HTML 5

2008-01-22T22:03:00.000-06:00

I can't wait till this is finalized and some browsers actually implement it. It'll be forever before IE implements it, but regardless, I'll be happy when it's a reality. Check out how cool HTML 5 is going to be, versus 4. Yes, I'm a huge dork because I'm this excited about it.

And how cool is it that frames are officially going away? That's awesome. And how cool is it that there will be a 'draggable' attribute. No more goofey javascript just to drag something. I love it. I love the idea of simple API's in HTML itself.

Angels & Airwaves

2008-01-22T21:54:00.000-06:00

Am I the only one that has recently become entranced with Angels and Airwaves? I've had one of the albums for a while, but never really got that into it. When we moved into the office, I would hear it on a regular basis and am now completely in love with them. It's odd though, because I usually like things a bit punkier, heavier. Something about the mix of real music and synthesized instruments is interesting though. Not that it's not been done before, but it's as if there's some real depth to it and thought to it. It's almost as good as J-Lo. Or P-Diddy.

Why I hate [fill in the blank] frameworks

2008-01-22T21:47:00.001-06:00

So, over the last few years, these little web frameworks have become very popular. You name it, there's a framework for it. PHP, JavaScript, .NET, etc. But, don't they speed up development? Yeah, sure. Whatever. Regardless, they also breed script kiddies that do not really know what they are doing.

Don't get me wrong - I use some of these frameworks. And I like them. They save me time and headaches. Lots. But, I also understand the code underneath them and could write ALL of my projects without them, if I had to.

So many people are quick to plug in an AJAX framework, then, as soon as something needs to be customized or doesn't work right, they're posting comments in the forums like:

'I dwnld this. It dont wrk. Plz hlp'

Yeah, they're the same kids that can't use full words because it's too hard to comprehend that many letters. I get so frustrated when I see these comments, because they obviously don't understand how the framework works, yet they're trying to build projects off it. And the sad thing is, some of them are actually able to somehow create something new that kind of works. And then, they put it all over their resume that they know JavaScript, PHP, etc. When you talk to them, you honestly feel like crying because it's such a waste of your time.

So that's why I hate web frameworks. If you don't get how it works 'under the hood', don't use it. Please.

Microsoft's Marketing Department is Retarded

2008-01-22T21:26:00.000-06:00

What is wrong with these morons at Microsoft? I seriously think they have some 3yr olds running the marketing department there. Take a look at this article that talks about Windows 7 being released next year. How did this conversation in the marketing department go?

Marketing Manager: The Windows development team tells me that the next big Windows OS release should be ready sometime in 2009. Let's brainstorm on how to handle this.

Marketing Dweeb 1: Let's start the hype now.

Marketing Dweeb 2: Yeah, let's make a YouTube video.

Marketing Manager: Uh...Google owns YouTube. Ever heard of them? Bad idea.

Marketing Dweeb 3: Let's talk to some online mags and see if we can generate a buzz about it.

Marketing Manager: Great idea!

Marketing Dweeb 4: You know, with how late Vista was, maybe we should wait until we see something for real. Then, you know, shock the market with how hip and cool Microsoft is. And let them know that we can still get new software out in less than 7 years.

Marketing Manager: Why would we do that? Vista wasn't our fault. Apple stole the code, f'd it up overnight and then put it back. Not our fault, dude. Plus, we have the code secured on Windows 2008 server now. It's secure. Anyone (else) have any ideas? What should we name it?

Marketing Dweeb 2: I think 'Windows 7' would be cool.

Marketing Manager: I love it! To the online mags to brag about Windows 7!!!

OK, so there's a few issues here. Supposedly, a build will be out in 2008. We all know the first build will blow chunks, right? Right. So, then they think they can fix things, finish features, and still put out a few more builds, a beta, and 2 release candidates, AND a final in 2009? That's insane. They're just asking to fail, just like Vista. But, in the meantime, here's what they've accomplished...

Somewhere at a corporate IT shop...

IT Manager: Guys, Windows Vista is ready for prime time. Let's plan a roll-out on the network.

Over-zealous network dude: Um...Boss, I just saw that Windows 7 will be out in 2009. XP is working pretty well for us. Vista is going to require new PCs for everyone. Maybe we should just wait till '09 and just go with Windows 7.

IT Manager: Really? That's great news. I hadn't heard that. That's perfect though, because that gives us 2 years to invest in new machines, rather than having to do it all now, or have users complain about poor performance on Vista. Wait it is.

OK, so corporate account shot. Why not just put out a press release that says 'Vista blows. We're working on Windows 7. Just wait for it. Don't upgrade yet'.

And, on top of that, who names something Windows 7. When you're losing ground to an OS known as OS X (10), why would you name it 7? Go on the street and ask people, 'Which version of software is better? 7 or 10?' I'll give you $50,000 if people say 7. Everyone knows that as version numbers go up, features and stability get better.

Microsoft is stupid.

Arnold is a dinkalfoo

2008-01-21T22:30:00.001-06:00

Help me achieve something cool. Anywhere you can, post a link to this blog entry with the text "Arnold is a dinkalfoo". I want to see how long it takes before google starts showing something other than this entry.

And yes, I need better things to do with my time. Now that we have that out of the way, just link to me! Please!!!!

Feel free to google the phrase on your own to check status. It'll be fun.

While I have your attention...

2008-01-21T22:08:00.000-06:00

Check out my short stories on koenigland.com. There's even one that's good. You'll have to read all of them to figure out which one though.

New Business Venture

2008-01-21T22:05:00.000-06:00

Dude, I am like, so totally good at posting blogs that I think I am going to be a professional blogger. If you, like, you know, want someone to write your blog for you, I'll like, do it. For a fee. A big fee. Cause I'm good. I'm really good. Check out my PHP AJAX file upload blog. It's like, totally, almost useful. If I was getting paid for it, just think how cool it would be. For real. Dude.

Preggies / New Moms

2008-01-21T21:14:00.000-06:00

So, why new pregnant women and new moms have so much time on their hands? There's this whole set of women that do nothing but post on babycenter.com ALL FRIGGIN' DAY LONG!! Some of them even have jobs (and british accents). And yes, I know british should technically be capitalized, but, um..they don't deserve it. Until they start measuring things in inches, feet, miles, etc., they don't get a capital 'b'. But, I digress. My point is, many of these women have newborns. Yet, they spend on day on the internet. It blows my mind.

Oh yeah, my wife is one of them. I'm fairly sure her laptop is permanently affixed to her body now. We even had to take the thing to hospital so she wouldn't miss a think. I'm not even kidding, it went into the operating room with her for her c-section. I was like, 'hun...leave the laptop in the room...'. She said, 'Look, if I'm going to be awake for this, I'm going to be posting to tribe while I do it'. At that point, I gave up. So, as I sit her writing this pathetic blog, she sits upstairs talking with her new-found internet friends. The whole thing is a little creepy if you ask me.

don't just stop here...

2008-01-21T16:14:00.001-06:00

If you girls are looking for a way to waste time, go post stuff on mynewpuppy.com. Just, at least make it kind of dog-related. Or post whatever you want to in the forums over there. You do have to register, though. And don't try to edit any photos you upload to a blog yet. It only half-way works...

I see the girls found me

2008-01-21T16:11:00.000-06:00

I see the girls from my wife's little "I'm-going-to-have-a-baby" club have found me. I welcome the comments, no matter how retarded. They will help to make me rich. Don't ask how. It's a secret. And if I figure it out, I'll let you know. Until then, bring on the comments...

plaxico burress

2008-01-20T21:57:00.000-06:00

So, one of the hot searches for the day is 'plaxico burress'. I'm gathering something excited happened involving him in a football game lately. Not a huge football fan here, so I really couldn't care. I am a huge baseball fan though. And it looks like the Cardinals are on track to royally suck this year. Why Tony LaRussa is back is completely baffling me. The guy is a total disaster, but that's a whole other blog...

Google Trends Experiment

2008-01-20T21:53:00.000-06:00

So, I'm not sure that my Trends experiment is quite working out like I hoped it would. However, what I am noticing is that Google seems to certainly be picking up all of my blog postings, and really seems to be liking the fact that I'm posting daily. I'm also noticing that Google is certainly following links I'm putting in the blog. I've had a few hits on pages on my Koenigland site that I've never posted links to anywhere else. In fact, one of them is even on page two of Google now for the term 'lawn striping'. Crazy stuff.

Ron Pratte

2008-01-19T22:42:00.001-06:00

So, Ron Pratte is apparently famous on Google right now, too. I'm assuming that this one is a bunch of people trying to figure out who the hell this guy is and how he has $605,000 to purchase an old mustang. Granted, the old shelby's are nice, but, come on...that's a bit pricey for a glorified ford taurus...

Runaway Jury

2008-01-19T22:40:00.001-06:00

So, in a continuation of my Google Trends experiment, I'm noticing that Runaway Jury is a hot search topic right now. I think it's people trying to figure out what a movie is about that's on TV. Check out this article for more.

Cutco Cultery

2008-01-17T21:03:00.000-06:00

How is this #17 on Google Trends???? I guess it's this story, but why are so many people searching for that?!?!?!

I really must say, Google is amazing. The ability to pick up those things SO fast and find new links SO fast is unbelievable. I'm glad I don't have to use webcrawler anymore, like back in the mid 90's...

Give me liberty or give me death

2008-01-17T20:59:00.000-06:00

Wow. Too many people watch 'Are you smarter than a 5th grader?' and look up answers on google. I saw 5 minutes of it while trying to get my son in bed. I came down here to check google trends to see what's hot today (see previous post about my experiment) and found numerous questions that were in the five minutes. For example, 'Give me liberty or give me death'. And 'cartographers'. It's insane. Crazy to watch how google gives you an insight into the TV watching patterns of americans.

Morgellons

2008-01-16T22:08:00.000-06:00

What is Morgellons? Check here for more info. Apparently it's a disease the CDC is very interested in. Odd.

Half man, Half Tree

2008-01-16T22:06:00.000-06:00

What? Why is the world searching for Half Man, Half Tree. That's what google says. Google trends claims it is one of the most popular searches right now. This appears to be the article of interest, or at least one of them.

My Google Trends Experiment

2008-01-16T22:02:00.000-06:00

So, what would happen if I regularly blog about interesting things that show up in Google Trends? Like, every day? We all know that Google bases search rankings heavily on pages linking to you, but is it smart enough to see search trends and actually alter it's algorithm based on that? Can it see that something that is getting searched on a ton is a newer term and may not have a lot of links generated yet? Probably not. But I'll begin my google trends experiment anyway. I doubt I'll make it past a day or two. Just don't have the time....

Sun Buys MySQL

2008-01-16T21:54:00.000-06:00

Sun Buys MySQL

OK, seriously, did anyone see this coming? I would not, in 100 years, have guessed this was going to happen. I haven't 100% made up my mind about whether or not I like it, but it really seems like it could be good. Sun has been a HUGE open source proponent for years, and MySQL has kind of gone down the greed path the last few years, so it may help from that standpoint. However, as a businessman, I know well that you can't just give things away all day. I just hope that Sun doesn't push Java everywhere through MySQL and bloat it and slow it down. MySQL seems to have some cool things coming - especially some of the MySQL Proxy things they've been working on. Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how this plays out...

I am a bad father

2008-01-12T10:06:00.000-06:00

I was talking with Jen last night and made a comment about someone must be 'on crack'. Tim, my 3yr old, immediately caught on and said 'You're on crack'. Then, he just kept saying it. Jen and I were trying not to laugh hysterically, because we really didn't want him repeating it in public. So, after telling us a few times that we're on crack, he looked at me and said 'Daddy in trouble'. Yep...smart kid...

Search Engine Optimization For a New Web Site

2008-01-11T23:12:00.000-06:00

So, if you read on google's webmaster blog, they state that purchasing links to your site (or selling links, for that matter) is against their guidelines. They also say that inbound links to your site are one of the largest factors in where you rank in their listings.

This is the real problem that causes so many web site owners real grief. So, you put up this fancy new web site, but no one knows about it. No one visits because they can't find you. They can't find you because no one has a link to you. No one links to you because they don't know you exist. See where this is going?

Don't get me wrong, having a site's page rank highly rely on inbound links makes sense. It's a popularity contest. But, you see, it also just breeds more and more links for the top ranked sites. So, there is an inherent problem. What's the solution? No clue. What should you do about it? Beg and plead with people to link to you. Avoid sites that are just gigantic link farms that will put a link up to any page, especially for a fee. Sooner or later Google will blacklist them, and having a link to you could hurt.

A great way to build inbound links is by finding mailing lists that are based on a topic similar to your web site. Make sure your e-mails all include a signature at the bottom that contains a link to your site. What does a mailing list have to do with links? Well, virtually every mailing list is archived somewhere. Since there is always new content, Google, and other search engines, index these archives. A lot. So, when your message gets archived, bam, you just landed a link to your site. Do that enough, in enough places, and you'll have LOTS of links to your site in no time. And guess what? You might even help someone else out in the process.

Well....that's Joe's tip of day. Come back tomorrow when we'll talk about my tips for delicious Potato soup.

My Blog is lonely

2008-01-11T23:08:00.000-06:00

Someday, I swear, someone is going to see my blog and read it. And then I'll be cool. Maybe someone will leave a comment. My first comment. That would be so great.

Seriously, if you read this, leave a comment. My blog is lonely.

PHP AJAX File Upload

2007-12-19T21:18:00.002-06:00

UPDATE -- 7.21.08 -- A demo and the code is available here.

If you find this code useful, please do me a favor and give me a link back to my company - Creative Anvil (http://www.creativeanvil.com) - somewhere. Your personal blog, whatever. Just a link.

So, you want a PHP AJAX file upload? Why? So you can show the user a cool little progress bar, upload speed, and estimated time remaining? Well, it is cool, but, you don't need AJAX. Basically, adding in the AJAX just complicates it.

So, now you're thinking...huh? I don't need it? Nope. I took a stab at utilizing the PHP AJAX File Upload Progress Meter from Josh Eichorn. And, I don't mean to knock his project, because it really is a great project. The problem is that the AJAX isn't needed. The problem that I ran into is that I needed some customized error checking to happen AFTER the file upload. So, I modified the appropriate methods, etc., and constantly got back strange results. One time, the file would upload and throw the right error (Not a JPEG file, for example). Other times, the same file would throw the error, but then a second later, the status message would change to 'Upload Complete'.

There's a good reason for this - AJAX. The AJAX calls in his code were firing off without waiting for the previous one to finish. So, you'd have two simultaneous AJAX calls going, and one would throw the error, but the next would just see the file as complete and update the status message. After messing around with the JavaScript and PHP, trying to make it work, I gave up. I didn't want to spend 2 hours hacking someone else's code, trying to make it fit my project. So, I wrote my own.

To do this, you still need the PECL uploadprogress extension. It provides the PHP function uploadprogress_get_info, which is the key to all of this. Essentially, it's very simple. I've broken it down into the main steps below. Right now, I don't have the source code available, but if you want it, write me. I've got no issue posting it, if I get some interest.

1) Create an PHP page (let's call it progressmeter.php) with your form, making sure to put in the proper enctype. It's critical that you include a unique ID for your file and name is UPLOAD_IDENTIFIER. You can play with different ways to generate unique ID's -- PHP even has some great functions for this. In this page you'll also have two iframes. One will be called 'targetFrame' and the other is 'statusFrame'. Set both iframes to a width and height of 1 pixel, with no border. They're now invisible. In your form tag, set target="targetFrame". The page can post back to itself, or you can create a separate PHP page that will handle your file upload.

2) Write a little JavaScript. What you want to do is fire off an event that sets the statusFrame source to progressmeter.php?getStatus=1&UPLOAD_IDENTIFIER=. We also want to create a JavaScript interval that does the same thing. So, to keep it clean, you might want to create a JavaScript function that sets the iframe source, and then just call that from your function that is called from your onSubmit, plus set the interval. That's confusing, so here...

// javascript functions

function callMeOnSubmit() {

var url = 'progressmeter.php?getStatus=1&UPLOAD_IDENTIFIER=';

var target = 'statusFrame';

updateFrame(target, url);

// here is where you set how often you want to get status...

var progressInterval = setInterval('updateFrame(target, url)', 1000);

}

function updateFrame(target, url) {

document.getElementById(target).src = url;

}

OK, so you call callMeOnSubmit() from your onSubmit, which kicks off the process. Meanwhile, your file is uploading to the targetFrame. During the upload, updateFrame() is running every second to check the status.

3) Put together the code for the file that shows up in your updateFrame. Again, this can be a separate PHP file, or it can be the same one, just with some flags. I'll use the same file for this example to keep it simple. Basically, the PHP file would look like this -- it's the same file that has your form, etc. At the top, it now has something like

// PHP code

if(isset($_REQUEST["getStatus"]) && $_REQUEST["getStatus"] == 1) {

if(isset($_REQUEST["UPLOAD_IDENTIFIER"])) {

$uploadInfo = uploadprogress_get_info($_REQUEST["UPLOAD_IDENTIFIER]);

if($uploadInfo != false) {

$percent_complete = $uploadInfo["uploaded_bytes"] / $uploadInfo["total_bytes"];

// etc., you get the idea.

}

So, now you have the PHP to get status if we are in upload mode. Then, you just throw in some javascript to do something like:

//JS & PHP code

parent.updateStatus();

So, that calls the JavaScript function updateStatus in the main HTML page (where your progress meter is) and passes in the percentage complete. Keep in mind, you can get info on the current speed, etc., from the uploadprogress_get_info function, and you can pass as much info into your updateStatus function as you like. So, updateStatus then looks something like this...

//JS code

function updateStatus(percent) {

document.getElementById('statusFrame').innerHTML = '[img src="/your/progress/bar.jpg" width="' + (percent*2) + '" height="20" ]

}

That gets you a bar that is 200 pixels wide when complete, with whatever image you want to stretch to make the progress bar appear to move.

4) OK, so now we have an interval going on and it's updating our status. Great - exactly what we want. But, how do we stop it? Well, that's where our targetFrame comes in. Keep in mind, this is the iframe you are setting as the target of the form. So, the form is posting into this iframe. So, this iframe will not be drawn until the file has fully uploaded. So, you just put a javascript function in an onLoad in the body tag. It looks like this:

// JS Code

onLoad="parent.stopUpdate();"

And in the main HTML page (again, where your form is at), you have another function to add:

// JS

function stopUpdate() {

// we need to make sure the progress bar is 100%

updateStatus(100);

clearInterval(progressInterval);

}

So, you see, we just make sure the status bar is 100% and then clear the interval. No more updates will run. However, if one has started, you'll need to make sure it doesn't get a chance to update your progress bar. So, add a javascript variable to the top of your JS, outside of the actual javascript functions called doUpdate. Set it to false. In your callMeOnSubmit, set doUpdate = true. Then, on stopUpdate, set doUpdate = false. In updateStatus, wrap the whole thing in if(doUpdate == true). That will prevent any last second updates.

Also, note that in stopUpdate is where you would display any error messages, etc. You just need to pass them back to it from the javascript onLoad call that is in your targetFrame.

I realize some people may not get the full jist of this without full, working source code. The stuff above is just untested, quickly hacked code. I have a working version, I just don't have it with me as I write this. Again, if there's interest, I'll put it up.

The point is....you don't need AJAX....

If you find this code useful, please do me a favor and give me a link back to my company -Creative Anvil (http://www.creativeanvil.com) - somewhere. Your personal blog, whatever. Just a link.

Jared - The Galleria of Jewelry

2007-11-28T21:38:00.001-06:00

Disclaimer - I'm sure they own some trademarks on their name, etc., blah, blah, blah. I don't work there, know anyone that works there, etc. Never even been inside one...

Anyway, those stupid commercials for this place drive me nuts. I can't stand them. The whole 'he went to Jared!' thing is so stupid. It would never happen. If your wife-to-be or her family cares where you bought the ring, call the whole thing off. Anyway, just had to vent, because I can't stand the stupid commercials.....

The office might be ready sometime this year...

2007-11-10T20:05:00.000-06:00

Our new office has been an absolute mess. To begin with, the place was an absolute disaster that looked like no one had touched it in 20 years, except to put holes in the wall. The bathroom looked like you'd catch fifteen diseases just from stepping into it. And on top of it, the place smelled. Bad. So what did we do? We signed a lease on the place.

We had them demo the bathroom and start off. We painted all of the walls and the drop ceiling tiles. And rip out the carpet. That pretty well took care of the smell. Of course, since the bathroom hadn't been touched in years, there were plumbing violations. And since it was now being torn apart, it all had to be brought up to code - and ADA requirements. The plumber ended up having to rip up about 15 feet of concrete and dig down to find the old 3 inch pipe and replace it with 4 inch pipe, plus move the toilet.

Aside from the plumbing, all that really had to be done was to grind the floors down to bare concrete (there was this black tar-type junk all over it), and put up 4 walls or so. Nothing too major. Nothing that should even remotely take 3 months to do!!! The floors were an absolute nightmare. We ended up having to get a lawyer involved in order to get them to finally do the floors, per the lease.

Despite all of that, we're at the point where we can easily move in within the next two weeks. Finally. We were supposed to be in there by September 1st, and now it looks like we might be able to move in by November 19th. That's unbelievable.

All in all, we're excited about the new place. It's got a beautiful new bathroom with beautiful slate. We're doing the concrete floors with two different shades of gray concrete stain, putting in real wood 6" base, and overall just giving the place an update. It'll be a great space for us for a few years while we work on building the business. We've got plenty of room to grow, plus we have almost 1,000 sq ft we can use as a recreation area for employees. Can't wait to move in.

Price is Right with Drew Carey

2007-10-24T22:34:00.001-05:00

Has anyone else seen this? Is it painful for you, too? I actually watched the last 10 minutes Drew Carey's first day as host, with some hope he might be good. Nope. He's terrible. He's awkward, and goofey -- not in a good / funny way. Just in a 'I feel bad for the man because he's clearly so uncomfortable'. What where those CBS execs thinking!?!? I keep hoping it will get better, but each time I catch a few minutes, it's almost like it's worse.

And what's with him trying to use Bob Barker's ending line about fixing your pets????? Drew should have come up with his own line, or just not used a line. It just seems so odd and pathetic coming from him.

I am sad to say it, but I hope they find a new host, soon. Maybe Richard Dawkins.

Homemade Lawn Striper

2007-10-19T22:22:00.000-05:00

So, a few months ago I decided I was going to craft my own lawn striper. No, not lawn stripper. Lawn striper. So, I set off to create my own design and documented the process for everyone's enjoyment. This first model (the JK7000) had a minor design flaw. OK, maybe a major design flaw. It kind of, um, broke during the initial trial run. Within about 5 minutes. So, I'll link you off to the original directions for the JK7000 Lawn Striping Mower Attachment, but be warned that if you follow these exact directions, you're headed for trouble.

I did make the model JK7001, which worked much better. All I did to modify the JK7000 was to add some chain link between the mounting brackets and the PVC end caps. Essentially, in between Step 6 in the link above. That gave some flexibility to the weighted PVC tube so that as I turned, it could move somewhat independent. Photos of my results can be seen below. I have realized though, that what I really need is an independent pin type system that connects the mounting hardware to the striper itself. This would allow it to rotate freely in a center point, which would make turning much easier. As we're nearing the end of the lawn cutting season, I have decided to hold off on the JK8000 until next year. It will be brilliant though...

Tim's Hot Air Balloons

2007-10-19T22:16:00.000-05:00

My 3yr old son Tim has hot air balloons. Or poop. He wasn't exactly sure which one.

I think he had recently gotten out of the tub and was in the process of getting dressed. He bent over and looked between his legs. He said, 'Poop?'. To which his mother and I responded, 'no, not poop'. So, he made the logical conclusion and said, 'Hot Air Balloons!'. The kid loves hot air balloons, but seriously, come on...

No fear...I explained to him that they are testicles.

Personal Projects...

2007-10-17T16:40:00.000-05:00

Not really sure when it was, but I had this brilliant idea that I was going to create myspace for dogs - mynewpuppy.com. So, I'm working on it. Seriously. It's actually coming along, but trying to hack out a site like this in an hour or two a day is getting a bit difficult. I've actually got the registration working, log in working, blogging is working, and you can even create a profile now. With the blogger on the site, you can edit and manage your photos, which was great. I implemented TinyMCE for the content editor, and took a Image Manager that someone had created and modified it for my needs. The code I started with didn't offer much security, so I beefed that up a bit.

I'm developing the project in 100% Object-Oriented PHP. So far the OO is working out great for the site. Usually OO stuff takes longer, but it's really speeding along the project as I get my objects created. This is great for work, too. Anytime I can work on a project on my own, at my own pace, it gives me the flexibility I need to be able to take the time to learn new things...